Ways to Connect with Baby during a Surrogate Pregnancy
As intended parents there are some wonderful ways to begin the bonding process with your baby while waiting for their arrival, beyond the excitement of nursery prep and creating lists of names to consider. Below are three main categories.
Appointments
In the beginning of your journey there will be a lot of doctor appointments and test results. With that many numbers flying around it can easily make things feel sterile. If you are able to attend some of the appointments or have your surrogate take video of the ultrasound monitor (if the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) allows it), those are some great ways to feel more connected with the reason for all of those appointments and less focused on all of the stats. The first time you see something pop up on the ultrasound inside the uterus, even if you can’t make out heads from tails, it is a really exciting realization that things are happening and your dreams are beginning to come down from the clouds and form into reality.
While under the RE’s observation one of the last appointments will be a heartbeat confirmation. That appointment typically takes place around 7 weeks gestation. During that monumental milestone appointment, the RE will record the baby’s heartbeat via ultrasound while you get to listen and watch on the monitor. Unless there are further requests from you or the RE, your team will “graduate” shortly after this appointment.
Once baby and surrogate graduate from needing appointments at the RE’s office there will be different opportunities to accompany your surrogate. Depending on the pregnancy (singleton, multiples, high risk) there will typically be monthly OB/GYN appointments until the third trimester then the frequency increases leading toward the estimated due date (every 2 weeks 28-36 weeks, weekly 36 weeks – Estimated Due Date). At each of those appointments the Doctor will be gathering some information from the surrogate and tracking their growth as well as listening to baby’s heartbeat with a Doppler.
Another big appointment that can be a little lengthy but is so exciting that it seems to fly by, is the anatomy scan. This appointment is generally scheduled between 19-22 weeks gestation. The tech will carefully measure every bone, organ, pockets of fluid, and take recordings of the heart from various angles. If parents opt to find out the baby’s sex during an ultrasound, this is one of the best opportunities. The tech will often try to get some good profile pictures of baby and some 3D images to print out.
Especially if you live locally to your surrogate, consider discussing with her how involved you would like to be with doctor appointments. Whether you’d like to attend as many appointments as possible or wait for an update message/call from her, it would be an excellent conversation to have before the onslaught of appointments begin. If you aren’t able to attend appointments due to distance or scheduling conflicts another option is to have your surrogate take pictures of the ultrasound pictures to send you and fill you in on how things went.
Surrogate Updates
As previously touched on in the appointments section, an option for remaining connected with baby is through updates from your surrogate. Updates can range from a quick check in on a weekly basis with a belly picture to track growth, to detailed information on how your surrogate is feeling and what she’s currently craving. The level of detail depends on what both parties are most comfortable with and is another excellent conversation to have in advance to communicate expectations.
Further along in the pregnancy when baby wiggles and kicks are visible on the surface of the belly, it can be fun for your surrogate to attempt to capture some of those stunts on video. I say attempt because it seems babies have an innate sense for when a camera is rolling and they become camera shy. Yes, it can look a little strange and alien-like but it is another great way to connect with your baby and see that they are healthy and thriving in their current cozy environment.
Gadgets
There are some fun gadgets that can help bring you closer to baby as well. The following ideas require a little participation from your surrogate but are great ideas for bonding with baby during and after pregnancy.
By 18 weeks gestation baby starts to hear sound and around 24 weeks baby becomes more sensitive to sound, even turning their head toward certain voices and noises in utero.
Bola Chime Necklace
The bola chime necklace is worn on an extra-long chain so that the pendant lays on the pregnant belly. As the wearer moves about the pendant will omit a gentle chime. When baby is born, the surrogate passes the necklace over to Mom (or Dad) and they have the added benefit of a comforting sound that baby is already well acquainted with. This can be especially beneficial during feeding sessions.
Here are some examples of chime necklaces:
Sterling Silver Bola Pregnancy Necklace
Recorded Messages
This is one of my favorite recommendations for bonding with baby during pregnancy. Record your voice(s)! Read through some of your favorite nursery rhymes, tell a family story, talk about some of the preparations you are making around the house, talk about whatever you want and record it all. The sound clips don’t have to be very long and the more often you record the less awkward you will feel. In turn the surrogate can play the recordings on her cell phone speaker near her belly or using special belly phones. This is a great way for baby to hear your voice(s) and be familiar with them.
Here are some examples of belly phones:
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